it’s morning, and it’s been a while since i’ve found myself with anything to say.
as the seasons change i find myself feeling more existential and lost by nightfall and pretty benign in the mornings.
i’ve fully settled into my routine in the mornings. i wake up around the same time. make coffee. partially make my bed. put on my headphones. listen to music. avoid my phone (although my screentime is back up this week). i’ve been checking in with my left leg which is still pretty fucked up so those long walks and cathartic walks have been pushed off the table this week. but i’m glad to see myself somewhat handling it. i guess my body needed a break. especially when i’ve had a smaller appetite and haven’t been eating as much as i should. i know i should eat more and having dreams of being anorexic again are my mind’s way of telling me… please, don’t fall into the same patterns. please, don’t hate your body forever. and i’m trying. i get up around nine or ten and force something into me. i try to stay self aware as much as possible to avoid getting lost and trapped again, by my own sabotaging tendencies and addiction. the general lack of control this year is honestly a perfect transition into feeding an eating disorder. it truly is. that’s why the majority of us fall into its teeth. we have control. what goes in. what goes out. it’s at our disposal, if nothing else.
i just clicked over to the tab i had open last night. a wikipedia page on the a rape allegation from last year. a young woman was gang raped in cyprus. being in a foreign land, and patriarchal society on steroids… they didn’t believe her. i don’t know why i can’t really shake shit like this off anymore.
but i do think about my mother warning me of the days i finally grow up and see the world for all it is. the ugliness, the sickness, the abusive nature of humanity rearing its head at women.
i was thinking the other day how fearless i once was. i felt untouchable. i wasn’t so scared. i walked streets alone in cities thousands of miles away, in darkness, in light. but the world has stripped that fearlessness away. through years of taunting me with these very cases and the disgusting, regression behavior of men everywhere. i used to think we were more than just animals. now i know the majority are just that.
there are still parts of my past, early on in my childhood, that remind me of that. but i was too young to process them. and weeks and months of therapy has allowed me to see the tip of iceberg.
sometimes life feels beautiful until you realize how ugly it can be.
how ugly people can be.
i’m listening to the fka twigs album that came out this time last year.
purely because i’m moody. and emotional.
and i would like to go ahead and transport myself to last year.
i like to relive the past apparently. even when it’s painful.
i remember listening to mirrored heart. after everything.
i remember going to see her live in SF.
i remember driving up to cool with my foot out the window and my vape pen in my hand and looking at the trees changing colors.
i remember being so desperate.
i reflect to remind myself, never again.
i remember being so broken, not even by one person. but all of them. and i remember how much i was going through at that time. and how i foolishly threw myself into the fire of another person. i was operating on a scarcity mentality because all i had gotten was so minimal with my last relationship. and i feel like a part of me is still functioning that way. and i hope i can shake it off.
because i deserve the world.
because i would give it.
the real world.
not a dream.
not forgotten pieces stitched together with excuses and fears.
the real world.