it’s day sixteen. i can see myself making another stretch of sixteen. and then another, then another, then another.
i guess it’s not abstaining from alcohol that seems to be the thing here.
it’s more so… the way i seem to deal. or more rather, the way i can’t.
i don’t know if this weird patch of ups and downs emotionally is indicative of that realization.
i’ve been listening to “her” by raury a lot. and i close my eyes and imagine this blissful life that seems so far away from right here, right now. much like the video that was uploaded with the song that lead me to its discovery. where the characters were living this ethereal existence on a tropical island, reading books and having picnics in fields and breathing in mountain air and salty sea. i feel like the limitation of my physical location is what ails me. i don’t want to be here. and as much as i want to leave, i wish i had someone to leave with me. i’ll admit it.
i’m still mourning the loss of this whole plan i had. this whole dreamworld i had. before it crumbled.
and it’s not easy.
there’s no body to burn or bury for it.
there’s no eulogy for everyone to hear about it that was somehow a part of it.
there’s nothing. but time.
time to sit with it and feel it slowly die off inside me.
“there’s so much anger in you.”
so much it overpowers my goodness, my lovingness, my affection.
and what else could the lack of a funeral for the future i once held onto for peace, for comfort… what else would it make me feel? other than utter and complete rage.
see, it’s not the alcohol, really.
it’s me.
and i have so much work to do. and healing to do. and it seems tedious and endless at times.
i’d much rather lay my head down, take a few sleeping pills, and save it for yesterday.

i dream to disappear.