i just want to be happy, i want to feel lighter

sometimes it’s there, but it feels like an imposter… only proving me right as it fades away and everything is gray again

i wish i could hold onto it long enough to analyze its properties and conditions in order to thrive. i would give it a beautiful home and keep an eye on it, i wouldn’t forget to water it and give it gentle breathes of life as i whispered all my secrets onto its surface.

yet, i drag my body out of bed… and the black & white numbs me. the pains of the past are clanging like chains around my feet, slow down, you’re weak.

i wish it could just be there, glistening in the sunlight waiting for my return.

i wish we were dependable, for each other.

for i need her, and she needs me.

but i just draw myself another bath of same old familiar sadness, dip in my feet.

it’s scary, but safe. it’s drowning in defeat.

depressing into the water. depressing into me.

it was easier when that happiness was founded in “we.”