i don’t know what exactly i’m going through. some people say when you get to this point it’s only indicative of your false, previous reality falling away around you. like sand castles. the waves of reality finally get to cross your shores. and it’s not a destruction, it’s a realization, it’s finally being able to see. and rebuild your own grainy version of the truth, the one that was never taught to you, but you always felt underneath all the falseness, all the synthetics, all the imposters up against your skin. i guess it makes sense, sand is just the end result of a long, long process of rubbing off each layer right?
i don’t know what exactly i’m going through.
i have these really intense moments where i feel like i’m accessing a level of emotion i’m not sure i have been exposed to without… drugs… or alcohol… or some substance entering my body. or some ritualistic high that was derivative of my most damaging actions.
it’s scary because sometimes i have no clue why i’m crying. or why the sight of the trees turning colors and the sky above me and my grandpa praying in the room next door to me…. why it all makes me feel so much. why i can be so incredibly happy and full of gratitude, but also so sad and hurt.
i’ve never felt this way before. and it’s the most honest i’ve ever felt.
i keep thinking a lot about death and with everything that’s gone on lately, it’s expected. i keep reminding myself when i look at someone i love, or hug someone i love, or smile at a baby in a stroller walking past and a mother full of unconditional support and strength, or feel the wind on my skin… that one day… it’s all going to be gone. and that when i’m older… these are the small, seemingly insignificant moments that i will wish to feel all over again.
i’ve always been good at that. whenever i’m the happiest, i try to catalogue everything. what it smells like, what it sounds like, whats above me, whats below me, how warm or cold the air is, my breath, my heart beat. i wish i could remember it forever. these moments between my existential dread are the ones that keep me somewhat sane. the bliss that comes from the most normal, mundane parts of life.

day fourteen.