day six and smiles

haha, even typing that made me emotional. i don’t really know how i’m feeling. i get in these places where i’m just so removed, in the moments i’m here, i’m present… i try to hold.
about five years ago i had my first hardcore dissociation event.
it was after a hard core stint of days of purging. i looked down at my dog, covered in cold sweats, and didn’t know who’s fucking dog it was…i stared into the mirror and i kept trying to remember my name. i touched my face. i was fucking freaked. i sat alone for the rest of day trying to calm myself down.
i don’t have episodes like that anymore. working out, walks, eating well, spending time with friends… creating a normal life if you will… helped me be here more.
when i’m very stressed out, anxious, and feel out of control. i tend to dissociate. i isolate when i’m really going through it because my fear is to have one of these episodes with friends. and scare the shit out of them.
the last few days it’s crept in. this place doesn’t feel like home. i look around each morning and do the work to remind myself who i am and why i am here.
i do my grateful flow, listing off my privileges and my blessings.
i have goals usually for the day. today i am aimless.
today we survive.
it’s nice to not be seeking escape in a man for once.
i’m excited for the future. i’m excited to get behind the wheel of my car again. drive up to the hot springs in mammoth. sit on the beach next to alamere falls. visit friends far away.
i’m excited to work with animals again.
i’m excited to save up money and move out, with no roommates.
i’m trusting my path. i really am. or else i’d just go insane.
beating myself up over and over again and drowning in liquor.

being sober has been fairly easy lately. spending time alone allows me to not need any liquid catalyst to be likable, to be normal, to feel tolerable.

i know i won’t heal in a week. a month. a season. a year.
this is a lifelong commitment.
this is a decision to save my own life.
i would be lying if i wish you weren’t here.
but it wouldn’t happen if you were.

my crux.
lover lover lover.

this podcast will help me feel creative and productive… while crucifying myself. i have no desire to hold back when it comes to myself. i’ll obvious protect one person and one person only because he’s not here and he doesn’t want to be and he’s not a scandalous title or storyline grab attention.
but i think it will be freeing.
to know who i really am and let everyone else know.
no more hiding.
flawed, crazy humans who love love, who are addicts, who struggle with worth… come undone to me.

the words & thoughts of a woman you found elsewhere.