day fourteen and a half

when love is unconditional, theres not attachment, expectation, hidden agenda, or bookkeeping of who gives what to whom. our love is unconditional for whatever we are and whatever they are. it is given without requirements. no strings attached. we don’t expect anything back when giving. we have surrendered all conscious and unconscious expectations of the other person.
love illuminates the essence of and, therefore, the lovability of others. this is because love opens the heart. instead of perception, which perceives, the heart knows. the mind think and argues, but the heart knows and continues. so even when people make mistakes, we love them. thoughts tell us one thing, but the heart tells us something else. the mind can be critical and disagree, but the heart is loving no matter what. the heart does not put any conditions on what’s out there. only the mind does that. love makes no demands.
a key to making love unconditional is the willingness to forgive. with forgiveness, events and people are re-contextualized as simply “limited” — not “bad” or “unlovable.” with humility, we are willing to relinquish our perception of a past even. we pray for a miracle to see the truth about the situation or person, and we surrender all of our opinions about the matter. we look at the payoffs we’re getting from keeping our perception of what occurred, and we let go of each little pay off: the pleasure of self-pity, of “being right,” of being “wronged,” and of our resentments.
eventually, we surrender the very idea of forgiveness. to forgive someone implies we’re still seeing the person or situation as “wrong” and, therefore, in need of being forgiven. true surrender means letting go completely of seeing it in such a way. when we surrender our perception completely, letting go of all judgement, then the whole situation is transfigured and we see the person as lovable. since all judgement is really self-judgement, we have liberated ourselves in the process.

… i swear, the universe stays speaking to me. i know the mumbo jumbo about asking for guides and you shall receive. and boy, are they showing up and showing out. i slept like shit. my mind was just firing out like the fourth of july all night. i tripled my dosage for sleeping just to get in like seven-ish hours. as a result, my head hurts and i feel groggy. but sleep continues to be a refuge for me and i will do whatever i can to escape into it. i’m very grateful for this chapter on love coming to me when it did. it’s strange only the decision to read five or ten minutes more, or not skip a day, or whatever in my reading consistency could have placed my eyes on different pages. but here we are, reading words i really needed to here. *watery eyes* i still feel like a hug would be nice, but the words seemed to hug me in there own way.

whenever i don’t get good sleep the right side of my skull and orbital bone radiate the strangest pain. sometimes i feel like i’ll never be able to permanently forget the night i got that concussion because when i feel this deep, thick pain climb from my eyebrows to my nasal cavity to my temples… it takes me back. on these days, my doctor suggests i stay away from bright lights and off screens… do i do either? not really. but it all hurts the same. and these right headed headaches are just going to be my new normal.

my mother is already at work, she left super early. so it’s strange to be home, alone, in the morning, without hearing her singing and play hindi old school music throughout our home. i kind of miss her. or wish she was here. something about her being here in the mornings is comforting to me. maybe i actually do like it here. with her. i mean, i can’t complain. when i’m doing good mentally and not dealing with drama from outside sources (friends, boys, work)… i feel like i flourish and coexist nicely. and i don’t know. i still frown at the thought of her being all alone when i eventually leave. but i will. i actually made two thousand dollars yesterday. so that was nice. and a surprise. so i’m pretty happy with my strategy financially for being set up for the future. i’ve realized i have had a lot of fun relishing in the present and not too stressed about the future, i do really desire just going with the flow. but i’m also such an intense person, that flowing doesn’t result in much. it’s the goals that get me to the destination, almost undoubtedly.

this has definitely be a rough few weeks. but i do see my peaks in between all the lows and that holds my focus. i just need to keep my head upwards. and all those higher level emotions i want to completely immerse myself in. and i’m close.

i’m realizing that my issues with co-dependency aren’t entirely from my end. but i’m also realizing that i have small amounts of resentment that have already built up bit. and i don’t really have anyone to blame but myself. and not really blame, because that feeds into self deprecation and guilt… but i kind of cheat coded my own self in a way. i think i’m the only person that truly knows what i mean by that. but that’s kind of the point. i accept that this is just another lesson learned. and i need to be clear with my boundaries, with my desires, with my needs… because that is all imperative to my healing. no one who truly loves you, wants you to win, and flourish is offended by those things. they welcome that.
it’s just my past that stops me from feeling confident in that. instead i am fearful. i feel like i’m going to be persecuted or questioned the same way marvick would. i catch myself doing things and wording things in a way that was “safe” for him when speaking to others. that bothers me. i’m so programmed to be unproblematic and scared… fearful. and i want to let that go. i know the type of person i am. inside.
i know that i am full of love. that i care deeply about the people in my life. i can’t help but care. i have a strong urge and desire to be better and do better. i can be a harsh critic to myself and others because of it. i see things a way that is unique. i do my best to not harbor judgement for things i do not fully understand. but i am also very analytical so i tend to overthink myself into oblivion.
that’s exactly why surrender and letting go are something i need a four hundred page book to explain to me. because i hold on, i hoard, i collect and then i try my very best to create fictional narratives for everything — the good, the bad, the ugly.
i lost sight of making me a priority for a minute there, but i’m happy to report i’m back and shaking off that unhealthy codependency issue i seem to always end back up in.
i’m looking forward to therapy today. i have a lot on my mind.
and i think it’s just going to be a sonia day.
anything and everything that makes me happy is happening today.

the words & thoughts of a woman you found elsewhere.