i’m listening to current joys.
it’s probably a band we would’ve listened together on a car ride through the delta.
a car ride i’d probably be slamming down ipas and wondering why the fuck i was even there with you.
i’m not mad.
or even jealous.
she looks like what i would have imagined.
she has features you would always paint or draw.
you know the ones completely opposite of mine,
she has tight curly hair. as much makeup as me, but you could never tell because she just pulls it off in a natural way. she has a nice jawline and high cheekbones. she’s thinner than me. she speaks spanish so much i wonder if you guys even converse in english. she’s one of those girls you can tell she knows shes pretty. that seems comfortable in front of the camera. and has the characteristic modeling photos. i’m sure you will have plenty to work with.
you take her to the same places. the same beaches. the same cliffsides. as you did with me.
you take photos of her and photos together just like you did… with me. and every other girl before.
the thing is i wish i didn’t waste that same sweetness on you.
i feel guilty or a fraud when i try to capture my current lover the same was i did with you so frequently. so obsessively. so romantically.
and he… he fucking deserves it. because he’s an angel.
i wonder if he’s the reason i’m not so upset.
it’s been a year.
would i be okay if i was all alone?
is the question itself a sign that i should be?
i should be trying to traverse the world a bit on my own.
but it feels so much sweeter, so much easier with his hands on my thighs. and his smile to seek refuge in.
i’m not mad, i said it.
it stings a bit in a way. to see the replication process occur.
a part of me hopes you’re better now. you won’t hurt her the way you hurt me.
she seems so strong and vibrant. i hope you don’t dull her down to a size you can manipulate and control… the way you did with me.
you’re the first man to really move on from me.
so i guess it’s just a strange feeling to see someone i thought i loved, loving someone else.
but it’s also a huge relief that i won’t need to revisit anything again. that now you’re embarking on a journey and, i hope, letting me go.
because you can feel it. you can feel it when someone has that hold. and how ugly that hold got with you and me. how devastatingly ugly it got.
i hope you leave her without all the scars you gave me. physical and mental.
i hope you actually let her be wild and free.
i hope you guys are happy and you move out of your parents house and you have a little family.
for some reason, i still actually want the both of us to be happy in our own lives. very apart. very separate. but happy.
i don’t know what that says about me. or what it means about what we were.
all i know it makes me want to spark a joint and say goodnight and count my blessings for my current life. for my current self love. for my current journey. for my future path. for having the strength to make it here.
all that would be impossible if i would still be tangled up in a facade of a life with you.
you can’t deny the impact people make on you. how minor they appear in the moment, compared to how blindingly important they before after they pass out of frame.
so i chose to remain soft. and letting go of hate.
i cried telling myself i was sorry for all that happened.
that it wasn’t my fault.
that i didn’t deserve it.
that i’m safe.
and in that moment i didn’t believe it.
but for whatever reason, knowing you have another curly haired, brown eyed girl to call your cariño… makes me feel a bit safer.
i don’t wish much. i’m not foolish enough to wish i didn’t care so much. i mean, do i? not terribly. i’m not angry. i’m not wishing it was me. i’m not feeling any of that, which is actually really fucking great. and marks some sort of achievement in healing from it all. i guess i’m observing a change, my feelings around it, making surprising realizations, and moving onwards.
people come in and out of our lives.
it’s inevitable. it’s truth.
i’m glad you’re another meter out of mine, stepping into a life with another tends to create space from your past. and i know the feeling.
i’ve been trying to step into a life with another version of me after all.
i don’t wish to hate you. and i know i don’t have any reason to speak ill of her.
i wish you what you deserve.
and although i am soft, my tongue can still be sharper than knives, so… that’s fully intended to be snide.
make of that what you will.